Unwritten rules can be a funny thing. Everyone knows what they are, but no one could actually tell you. People just follow them with an understanding that not doing so would make you an obvious outcast, a foreigner, an alien.

Learning unwritten rules only come easy to those that are exposed to them on an ongoing basis. For they aren’t actually taught so much as absorbed on a subconscious level. That’s why anyone who’s been in a new environment can be overwhelmed with confusing procedures, processes, and protocols. Not of which they could be forewarned about or would find in any manual. And this can happen both in and out of the corporate world.

Case in point: the men’s room, an otherwise secret institution, has been off limits to half the world’s population – until now. For I am going to break every code in the “guy book” and explain men’s room protocol.

For most women, the men’s room is that mysterious door next to the ladies room, only with no lineup. But what happens behind the door is a series of unwritten rules that govern a world no female can understand.

First off, real men don’t use stalls to do a number one – except for two instances: There is a long line to use the urinals and time is an issue (such as during intermission at a theatre), or the guy is wearing something that does not allow for easy access, like a chicken mascot costume.

If there is just one urinal and it’s being used, don’t wait by standing behind the guy using it. That’s creepy. Stand off to the side.

If there are two or three urinals, use the farthest one when possible. If there’s more than three and none are being used, default to the second farthest one. If one is being used, don’t use the one next to it. Leave one between you and the other person. That is the most important goal – avoid urinal crowding.

Keep your eyes down or straight ahead. Looking around is never allowed – ever.

Never start a conversation with the guy next to you. It’s not a bus stop. No one cares about the weather, the movie, or the big game – at least not while their “makin’ their bladder gladder”. If you know the guy next to you, you can talk to him, but only if it’s a continuation of a previous conversation. If you have something new to say, wait till you’re both done.

Wash your hands like a your mother taught you. Rinse, soap, rinse. Running your hands for half a second under a mist of water says to everyone in the room “I’m a disgusting slob and personal hygiene is a passing fad”.

When exiting, be sure to have some paper towel between your hand and the door handle. If the guy behind you thinks you’re a little OCD for doing that, chances are he’s the same guy who chose to dry clean his hands. (Note to self: don’t shake this guy’s hand)

I hope this brief exposé will give you an appreciation of not only the power and structure of unwritten rules, but also the fact that not all men are pigs.

I encourage you to share this guide with any man you know who’s new to the world of public washrooms, or any woman who just wants to know.